Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Urban Outfitters: WWGDD? (What Would Gerard Depardieu Do?)

Annoyed Email #1:

Dear Urban Outfitters.
The employees in your store generally irritate me. Can you please hire kids that are less concentrated on being moody, brooding failed musicians/ and fancy art college dropouts and more focused on helping a customer without copping a 'tude?

Kimberly Perplies

Response #1:

Hello Kimberly,
I'm sorry to learn that your experiences in our stores leave you feeling this way. Is there a store, or experience, in particular that made this impression on you? I'd be grateful if you'd let me know so that I can address it with the store's District Manager.

I look forward to hearing back from you, and again, I'm sorry for your experiences.


Annoyed Email #2:

Hi Krissy, thank you for responding. I'm sure I can recall specific
instances at all my local stores (Burbank, Studio City,
Hollywood-Melrose, Hollywood-Cahuenga, Pasadena) but I was commenting
more on all of them. At the same time.
The other day, I was browsing the web, saw some cute wedges I wanted
to check out in person and realized I didn't physically want to go to
any of my local stores because I've gotten bad attitudes from young
hungover hipsters (with
alternative-but-not-quite-transcending-into-offensive hairstyles) at
every single one. Instead of shopping, I watched an old episode of "To
Catch a Predator". Boy was it a good one!!!

End Result:
I will still continue to shop at Urban Outfitters, buy things at full price like an idiot and then come back the next week to see everything on the clearance rack in my exact size and then want to punch myself in the face. I will just try my extra hardest to abuse their pretentious sales-children while I do it. And I will deliberately mess up as many stacks of perfectly folded t-shirts as possible. WORK FOR THAT MINIMUM WAGE, DAMMIT! Those big loans from 2.5 years of photography school aren't going to pay themselves off!!!! Don't worry, you'll only be doing this until your band gets discovered and makes it big.