Friday, May 24, 2013

Babies.


My Email:

Hi Virgin, I have just a little baby suggestion. No. Literally. A suggestion about babies. Why don't you limit the number of babies to a flight or at least per section of the plane? On my flight back home a few days ago I was surrounded by four screaming babies. Okay, two were screaming, the other two were kicking the back of my chair. Seriously, was this some sort of deliberate segregation? "All babies and their families to the back of the plane!" 

Why don't people just go to the pharmacy to pick up some birth control to prevent themselves from making a baby? It's a bitch to park at my pharmacy because it's right next to a yuppie farmer's market where there are lots of white people wearing $200 ripped t-shirts clamoring to get cruelty-free asparagus. Get what I'm saying? It's a pain in the ass. Just because some go through the trouble of preventing another human being born into the world, doesn't mean everyone's as courteous. I get it. Babies exist, they're annoying, they're obnoxious: get used to it.

Now, being next to a baby on a plane is like getting a rock in your boot, it sucks but it's bearable for a short period of time, though unpleasant. But have you ever gotten FOUR rocks in your shoe? It's HORRIBLE!!! On the plane, two of the babies were crying and screaming from one row to the other: alternating so one could scream while the other took a break. The other two were behind me, restless and made a game out of alternating kicking my chair. Even my meanest looks couldn't get them to stop for over a minute.

Perhaps Virgin could instate some sort of sound-proof box option... Just picture it: a private, quartered-off section of the plane where babies/ young children are strapped down with restraints and the soundproofed so their screams won't disturb fellow passengers. This box rule would apply to all babies with the exception of babies adopted from China. Those babies are okay because they're quiet. They know they escaped horrible deaths. They are happy to be alive and in America which is why they never cry, are always quiet, and study hard to get straight A's in math. 

Think about it. Baby box. Just a suggestion.

Sincerely,
Kimberly Perplies


Their response:

Hi Kimberly,

Thank you for taking the time to email us. We're sorry to hear about your unpleasant flight experience.

While we fully understand your frustration, please know that we cannot control people's children. As much as we would like to ground them from time to time, we can only ask that the parent take charge in these situations. Unfortunately, there is not much more our flight crew can do unless the disruption is jeopardizing the safety of other guests or the flight crew.

We apologize that your situation was not handled to your satisfaction by our inflight team members.

Thank you again for taking the time to provide us with your feedback. We truly appreciate you as our guest and hope we can welcome you on board under better circumstances.

Best Regards,
Miguel
Virgin America Guest Relations

Final Summation:

I'm usually not such a jerk about babies. But FOUR babies from different families within two rows of each other? WTF!!! Is it just me or isn't that ALOT of babies? I wish the airline had the ability to punish other peoples children. "Would you like a beverage? One moment while I spank your naughty 3-year-old!"
On the plus side, Virgin America's Guest Relations responded to my email lightening quick! Next time I think I should watch some sort of super adult inappropriate movie like Showgirls so at the very least if I have to be subjected to other people's misbehaved children, I am corrupting them. Lolz.


Thursday, June 28, 2012

Fancy Feast Klan




My Email: 

From: kimberly perplies <kimberlyperplies@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 9:54 PM
Subject: Fancy Feast
To: NestlePurinaInfo@casupport.com

Dear Purina, I'd like to know why there are only white cats in the Fancy Feast commercials. It's pretty racist. I've never seen a mixed breed cat or cat of color in any Fancy Feast advertising. Your next commercial may as well have a bunch of white cats in white hoods lynching black cats from trees. 


Kimberly

Their Response:

From: NestlĂ© Purina Info <NestlePurinaInfo@casupport.com>
Date: Thu, Apr 5, 2012 at 3:56 PM
Subject: Case #: 18387482 A Note from Purina
To: kimberlyperplies@gmail.com



Thank you for contacting Nestlé Purina PetCare Company.

We appreciate receiving your comments regarding our Fancy Feast(r) Gourmet Cat Food commercials and have forwarded them to the appropriate individuals in our Company so that they may know your feelings.  We feel sure your thoughts, along with any others we receive, will be taken into consideration when future advertising is developed.

We assure you, it is not our intention to offend anyone by the manner in which our products, packages and advertising are presented.  Our aim is to influence consumers to look favorably upon and to purchase our products.

Again, thank you for visiting our website.

Final Summation:

Hahahaha, I love that they wrote a serious response. I will continue to fight for the rights of African-American cats, and all mixed breed/ race cats/ cats of color. I also believe in marriage between two gay cats.


Friday, February 17, 2012

The best part of waking up is Folgers all over the carpet






Angry Email #1:

From: kimberly perplies
Date: Wed, Feb 1, 2012 at 8:23 AM
Subject: PIECE OF GARBAGE
To: Applica Consumer Affairs


Dear Black and Decker,
What did YOU do this morning? I spent my morning cleaning coffee grounds from my kitchen floor and carpet because of my faulty piece-of-garbage black and decker coffee maker. I was late for work, wasted my expensive coffee grounds which went all over the floor, stained my carpet, and I didn't have time to stop and get any coffee on the way so now I am in a FOUL mood. Why don't you make products that actually DO WHAT THEY ARE MADE FOR and stop making my life miserable!!! I work a 50 hour week- I NEED COFFEE. AND I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!


Response:
On Fri, Feb 3, 2012 at 6:45 AM, Applica Consumer Affairs <applicaconsumeraffairs@fox-international.com wrote:

Thank you for contacting Applica Consumer Products, Inc. We value you as a customer and appreciate your patronage.

Do you still have the unit? Are you requesting warranty assistance?

In order for us to further assist you with your inquiry, we ask that you please provide us with the additional information:

Re-verify Model Number (see below)

Re-verify Date Code (see below)

Amount of Purchase

Please indicate if proof of purchase (sales/gift receipt) is available for this unit? Y/N

The Model Number is located at the back or bottom of your unit. It is listed as Model number/Cat Number.

Applica Consumer Service


Email #2:
Dear Applica Consumer Affairs,
Thank you for your response! I don't know the model number or date code. It was around $50 bucks when I bought it but I am not requesting a refund, warranty assistance or assistance of any kind because I have already destroyed the laughably inferior product that has caused so much irritation and inconvenience in my life. I just wanted to let you know that Black and Decker products are horrible and they belong in the garbage, which is where mine is now. Here is a link to the documentation of me destroying my Black and Decker coffeemaker (perhaps you will be able to identify the model number pre-demolition) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_LgF139za8

I feel much better now.

Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Kimberly Perplies


Response #2:
Applica Consumer Affairs applicaconsumeraffairs@fox-international.com to me
show details Feb 6 (12 days ago)
Thank you for contacting Applica Consumer Products, Inc. We value you as a customer and appreciate your patronage.

Our products are built to high industry standards and function as designed. However, we are constantly striving for better quality and ways to improve our products. In this endeavor, our Engineering and Quality Control team are regularly informed of consumer feedback regarding any difficulty encountered during the use of our products.

We have forwarded your comments and suggestion to our Engineering and Quality Control team.
Applica Consumer Service


Final Summation:
I have a new, fancier coffeemaker that doesn't spurt grounds all over my kitchen floor and carpet. I am currently affeinated and content!




Tuesday, July 19, 2011

PHIL COLLINS MAKES ME WANT TO DIE


Email #1:

From: Kimberly Perplies
Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 4:36 PM
To: Ralphs Customer Comments

Dear Ralphs,

I have a serious problem shopping at your store. I want to know why there is ALWAYS Phil Collins playing when I shop. Why? PHIL COLLINS MAKES ME SAD. If Phil Collins makes me sad, then it surely makes other people sad. Maybe your tactic is to make people so depressed that they want to eat their feelings and buy more food.

The last two times I went to my neighborhood Ralphs location on Vermont and 3rd Street, Phil Collins was playing, I got very upset, literally abandoned my basket and walked out. This Ralphs is in the middle of Historic Filipinotown; is there something about Filipinos liking Phil Collins that I don’t know about? I see no purpose whatsoever for inundating my ears with his music and inundating my life with more pain than necessary. I have already come to the realization that nobody will ever love me in my life, I don’t need Phil to remind me that I am alone and unloved.

I want to know how you choose your music and I demand you play something a little happier. Happy people also like to eat too, you know. The Vons across the street plays Chris Brown. Although he is a woman-beater, I approve of this.

See what you can do.

Sincerely,

Kimberly Perplies

Email #2:

From: Kimberly Perplies
Sent: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 2:42 PM
To: Ralphs Customer Comments

Dear Ralphs, I never heard back from you regarding my last email about how the Filipino Ralphs on 3rd and Vermont won't stop playing Phil Collins. You are clearly trying to depress your shoppers into medicating themselves with your food to increase your sales. I get it. I have changed my mind and I want to help you; I have taken the liberty of making a playlist for you. You don't even have to pay me or send me any coupons to thank me!

Johnny Cash- Hurt

Roy Orbison- Crying

Elvis Costello- Allison

Simon and Garfunkel- The Sound of Silence

Hank Williams- So Lonesome I Could Cry

Elliott Smith- Between the Bars

The Cure- Pictures of You

Joy Division- Love Will Tear Us Apart

Billie Holiday- Good Morning Heartache

Play these songs and watch your profits grow. Keep the ice cream isle well stocked.

Don't bother thanking me.

Sincerely,

Kimberly


Final Summation?

Phil Collins will always make me sad. Go watch Tarzan and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I Literally Think You Literally Being Too Literal. (LITERALLY!)















Has anyone ever seen the AAA commercial where they have "real" customers give "real" exclamatory statements praising the Auto Club? I have seen the commercial FAR too many times and I am SICK OF IT.
This is what I wrote to them:


Angry email #1:
From: kimberly perplies
Date: Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 8:07 PM
Subject: commercial advertisement fraud
To: The Auto Club


Dear Auto Club, I'm writing to you to request you either cease to play
your fraudulent commercial, or change it so that it is more truthful. I just saw an Auto Club commercial in which a woman claims that when she heard how much money she was going to save she literally fell out of her chair. I, quite frankly, do NOT believe this woman. She is a liar. If she actually DID fall out of her chair (which she DIDN'T) then I think the commercial would be more thorough and effective if we actually got to see a bruise she sustained when she fell off the chair or at least a believable reenactment of HOW she fell off the chair. I would also like to say that I believe the word "literally" is used far too casually. If someone uses the word "literally" it means that it actually happened. No doubt this woman was excited to save money. But she didn't have to make up a bald faced lie about literally falling off her chair; that didn't happen! The Auto Club, by featuring this woman as the first and last person to speak in the advertisement means that you not support lying, but are proud of it. What else is the Auto Club lying about?

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

Sincerely,
Kimberly Perplies

Response #1:

OH WAIT, I can't post the response here because THERE WAS NO RESPONSE. Not even a generic, automated, "Thank you for your feedback..." email.
How can you respond to that?
I am on to your game, Auto Club. Nice try.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Urban Outfitters: WWGDD? (What Would Gerard Depardieu Do?)


Annoyed Email #1:

Dear Urban Outfitters.
The employees in your store generally irritate me. Can you please hire kids that are less concentrated on being moody, brooding failed musicians/ and fancy art college dropouts and more focused on helping a customer without copping a 'tude?
Thanks,

Kimberly Perplies



Response #1:

Hello Kimberly,
I'm sorry to learn that your experiences in our stores leave you feeling this way. Is there a store, or experience, in particular that made this impression on you? I'd be grateful if you'd let me know so that I can address it with the store's District Manager.

I look forward to hearing back from you, and again, I'm sorry for your experiences.

Sincerely,
Krissy


Annoyed Email #2:

Hi Krissy, thank you for responding. I'm sure I can recall specific
instances at all my local stores (Burbank, Studio City,
Hollywood-Melrose, Hollywood-Cahuenga, Pasadena) but I was commenting
more on all of them. At the same time.
The other day, I was browsing the web, saw some cute wedges I wanted
to check out in person and realized I didn't physically want to go to
any of my local stores because I've gotten bad attitudes from young
hungover hipsters (with
alternative-but-not-quite-transcending-into-offensive hairstyles) at
every single one. Instead of shopping, I watched an old episode of "To
Catch a Predator". Boy was it a good one!!!
Sincerely,
Kimberly

End Result:
I will still continue to shop at Urban Outfitters, buy things at full price like an idiot and then come back the next week to see everything on the clearance rack in my exact size and then want to punch myself in the face. I will just try my extra hardest to abuse their pretentious sales-children while I do it. And I will deliberately mess up as many stacks of perfectly folded t-shirts as possible. WORK FOR THAT MINIMUM WAGE, DAMMIT! Those big loans from 2.5 years of photography school aren't going to pay themselves off!!!! Don't worry, you'll only be doing this until your band gets discovered and makes it big.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Vons Vendetta


Angry Email #1:

Are employees are Vons a) crazy, b) lazy or c) just plain dumb? While shopping Friday night, August 20th at around 9:00, I witnessed a man doing his grocery shopping with his pug. This is Los Angeles, does it surprise me that some idiot can't rub two brain cells together hard enough to ignite a spark of a thought, "Hey, maybe bringing my dog Freidrich to Vons where people FOOD is a bad idea!"? No. No, it does not surprise me. What surprised me is that I witnessed atleast 3 Vons employees pass right by the guy and his dog and say absolutely nothing.This was clearly not a guide dog. This was not a seizure alert dog. This was not a service dog of any kind. This was a misbehaved dog that some dude couldn't bear to leave at home for an hour. I love animals, BUT I DON'T WANT THEM NEAR MY FOOD! The guy was in the dairy aisle not paying attention while his dog was getting up on the barrier, sticking his face in cartons of yogurt. I stood there mortified. Ew Vons, that's totally gross.
Sincerely,
Kimberly P


Stupid Response #1:

From: web.comments [mailto:web.comments@safeway.com]
Sent: Sat 8/21/2010 3:25 PM
To: Kimberly Perplies
Subject: Re: Safeway Customer Comment [#3619475]

Dear Ms. Perplies,

Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding our service animal policy.

We appreciate the time you have taken to share your valuable feedback regarding non-service animals being permitted to enter your local Vons store. We apologize for any inconvenience you may have encountered.

Our company policy states that our employees must assume that any animal accompanying a customer is a Service Animal. Your comments will be forwarded to our Public Affairs Department for further review.

If you would like to discuss this further, please reply to this email or call our toll free number at 1-877-723-3929 and reference contact I.D. 17208250. One of our associates will be happy to assist you.

We appreciate your business and look forward to seeing you soon. Thank you for shopping at Vons.


Sincerely,

Vons Customer Service Team


My Email #2:

Dear Vons Customer Service Team,
Thank you for your prompt response. Also, thank you for clarifying that any animal accompanying a customer is assumed to be a Service Animal by your employees per the company policy.

I'm actually quite relieved that now I can bring my pet monkey, Larry, on my shopping trips now. (see attached picture)
He is excellent at picking produce.

Thank you and have a great weekend!

Kimberly P


Stupid Response #2:

Thank you. We have received your email submitted through www.Safeway.com and we appreciate your comments. Our staff is available to respond via email, Monday through Friday. We will research and reply as quickly as possible.

You can now view our weekly advertised specials online! Simply click on the following link and enter your Zip code:

http://www.safeway.com/weeklyspecials

Check out our new coupon link for an easy new way to save money, time and paper by loading hundreds of coupons directly to your Club Card - in just a few clicks! http://www.safeway.com/coupons

Thank you again for writing. It is always a pleasure to serve you at Safeway.

Customer Service Safeway Inc.


End Result:

This is NOT over yet. I want to march into Vons with a goat or a giant gila monster on a leash and do my shopping. I'll let him crawl all over the potatoes and over the counter into the meats of the deli case. And if anyone approaches me or says anything I will get incredibly offended and yell, "How DARE you! This is a Certified Service Gila Monster! Are you aware of the Safeway policy that ALL ANIMALS that accompany shoppers are to be considered service animals?! This is lizard discrimination!" Then I will call Gloria Allred or Larry H. Parker and sue Vons for discriminating against me, a woman who needs a Service Lizard to aid with her very serious and debilitating case of the gum disease Gingivitis.